Celebrity Buzz: Introducing the “To-Hawk”

A new hairstyle sensation is sweeping the East Coast, threatening global domination. Think traditional Faux-Hawk, equal parts proto-punk and New York funk, and sported by the ultimate Brooklyn bad boy. 

Introducing the “To-Hawk,” the new hairstyle that has preschool femme fatales everywhere drooling for pint-sized international super-stud phenom Tonio “To” McGuire.

The “To-Hawk” is the collaborative creation of celebrity cutter Anna McGuire and stylist-to-the-stars Zander Deliso, who just happen to be related to the baby box-office wonder (mommy and cousin, respectively).

“I wanted to push the envelope with this creation, so I had to reach deep down inside me, to find a creative place I didn’t even know existed,” said Zander in an interview from his exclusive South Florida compound.

“It was touch and go there,” Zander recalls of their epic marathon styling session. “I started with the Death-Hawk and toned it down into a Curly-Hawk. We then went through the Bi-Hawk, the Tri-Hawk, the Fro-Hawk, the Psychobilly, even the Shark Fin and the Lazy-Hawk. And just when I was ready to quit, had given everything I had, was physically exhausted, mentally drained, it just, well, it came to me.”

Since debuting his new ‘do’ downtown last week — Page 6 spotted him canoodling in a McDonald’s jungle gym with a pair or Swedish identical twin five-year-olds (including their au-pair) — the mini-heart-throb has gone into hiding to avoid legions of rabid fans.

“This is getting ridiculous,” said his exasperated mommy Anna. “Our home is surrounded by an army of these little biddies. Where the hell are their mothers? Don’t these little tramps have bedtimes?”

“You know, I am starting to think the maybe it wasn’t such a good thing Tonio inherited his Dad’s devastating good looks,” Anna lamented.

It’s not just the local ladies that have their eyes on Tonio and his bold new buzz. 

“I want him back, I don’t care what it takes, what I have to do, even if I make a fool of myself, even if it means I wreck my career,” wailed Miranda Cosgrove. Last week, Cosgrove abruptly canceled production for the upcoming season of her hit show when she walked in on Tonio and her iCarly co-star Jennette “Sam” McCurdy in a compromising situation.

“They were innocently playing with Play-Doh, my ass,” Cosgrove tweeted last week. “He had his grubby little fingers on her lumps alright, and they sure as hell weren’t blue, green, or red.”

To-Hawk spotting is the new paparazzi-pastime. “Forget Paris, forget Brangelina, forget Miley, GaGa, and Lilo,” purred Perez Hilton. “Bring me that delicious little To-Hawk on a platter and I’ll make it more than worth your while.”

Shudder.

Hilton isn’t the only media maven setting his sights on the little lothario.    
     
“It has been long-standing policy at TMZ that we don’t pay for sources,” said TMZ founder Harvey Levin. “We pay for a couple of things, we pay for video, we pay for photos, which frankly everybody does, but we only offer a tip fee. But again, we don’t pay for sources … well, until now. I hate to say it, but we will pay out the nose for anything related to Tonio McGuire. I mean anything, baby pics, family video, used diapers, you name it. I want it.”

Stay tuned for more breaking news as the world waits for Tonio to re-emerge.